Off The Fan: A Revised Study In Bad English

This was actually a bit of writing I did a couple of years ago that I revised today.
I love the English language. Not in a Grammar-Nazi, can't-start-a-sentence-with-a-conjunction, ignorance-of-oxford-commas-are-blasphemy kind of way. Just enough that I really enjoy a well written book and a well spoken person.
Sadly, having attended two schools in the past five years with classmates who are largely nouveau riche Gujaratis and Marwaris with more money than words in their vocabulary has been really tough on me. Truly, I have almost been broken. :( <---- sad face emoticon sadly showing my sadness.

So I'm going to list a bunch of things I hate about typing, pronunciation, speech and grammar in general. See? I'm using humour to defuse my famous temper.
These, then, are some of my not-so-favourite-at-all things.

1. Misspelling 'grammar'

You know what I'm talking about. Some self righteous little tit will start talking about how the standards of grammar have dropped and he will spell it as grammer. Or gramar. Or gammar. Okay I totally made the last one up. But my entertaining lies do not reduce the severity of the situation. It takes an extremely low level of intelligence to be able to fuck up the spelling of a topic you are talking about passionately. Bill Gates knows how to spell Microsoft, Steve Irwin knows how to spell crocodile, and Oprah Winfrey knows how to spell freecarsforeveryone. So if you're going to call someone's grammatical error out, for fuck's sake don't call it 'grammer.'
Used as in -
Person: Duuuude. Check your grammer.
Suggested response -




2. 'Off the _______.'

Off is not a verb. Unless you're 'offing' someone in which case you're probably a mafia don who is silencing a witness of a brutal murder who 'knows too much.' Or if you 'offed' the last of the pizza in which case you're a bitch >:(
OFF IS A GODDAMNED PREPOSITION YOU ASSCLOWN.
So if you ask me to 'off' the fan for you, or 'on' the light, you're only going to be 'onning' my bitchslap mechanism. Its deadly. And made in China.
Used as in -
Person: Aye, listen! Off the fan, na.
Suggested response -
You: I'll off your MOM.

Which is actually grammatically correct! :D You'll be teaching and insulting at the same time!

3. Can I. . . ?

Okay, honestly this one doesn't really annoy me. I just wanted to put it in cause I enjoy correcting people when they make the mistake. teehee.
Used as in -
Person: Can I borrow a pen?
Suggested response -
You: You can but you may not, but can you cancan? Cause I can cancan and then we can cancan.

Its very sweet, trust me. If she understands you, you may just get a date.

4. Chop

This is a Bombay thing that I've never understood. In a situation where someone gets embarrassed, why do people collectively yell, 'CHOOOOOOP!' Its nonsensical. Chops are those crumbly brown things my mother tries to make me eat and that I run away from. Chops are those things Bruce Lee built his career on.
Used as in -
Person: CHOOOPPPP!
Suggested response -
You: Ooooh! Mutton?

5. Double Chinned Emoticons

You are either :( or :).
You cannot be :))))))))) or :(((((. I've seen you! I know you're not fat! Stop trying to lull me into a sense of false security by making it look like you have some seventeen extra chins suddenly, you treacherous bitch! :O
Used as in -
Person: im so sad my baby boo broke up with me! oh noooeezzz :(((((
Suggested response -
You: I know, right? (.Y.)

And that's it for now.
I hope that somewhere, in a little corner of the world, I will have stopped ONE person from requesting his friends to 'off the goddamned fan.'
 :)


:))))))))))